Well, I'm glad that I got to have fun this summer. I went bowling, played on a trivia team, read, played video games, etc. Good stuff. I even got back into zombie movies after finally getting around to seeing 28 Weeks Later and Diary of the Dead (oh, only 2 years late).
I just started graduate school at UAB last week (and also, my education classes). I'm really looking forward to the challenge that it's going to bring. Exciting times are ahead; this year has been pretty good, and I feel like I'm growing a lot as a person lately. I'm trying to be as disciplined and level headed as possible. Hell, I'm even going to cut my hair pretty soon to pre-2007 standards. I figure I'm always going to be a dork, so I might as well have people looking at me in the right way. I actually reread alot of my lj posts from 2003/2004 today in boredom (which is ok, considering I'm nearly ever on lj), and boy - was I totally clueless about some things.
I'm also currently in the process of pouring out some purple drank for the bed I've had since elementary school. As of this afternoon, I'll have a twin bed. So, it'll be a bit bigger to accomodate for the nonexistent sex sessions I'm going to have in the near future.
Can't wait for Raditude and Sonic Boom. I feel so out of place buying CDs nowadays, though. But my ipod is toast anyway (washed it for a SECOND time in the washer), so whattya gonna do.
I R Babboon.
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My life is pretty gud right now.
I'm in shape again. And, for the last month, I've hung out w/ lots of new people nearly every week. And, I don't hate any of them. Yet. Ok that's not likely considering I barely know them and I'm not forced to spend lots of time with them. And the weird thing is, I'm not nearly as dependent upon people like I used to - and this is actually a good thing for me! Its allowed me to actually have fun with people and relax. Now, I get to choose and take time and be more objective about the people I do hang out with. I also don't feel bad about letting go of people nearly as much after seeing what that type of thinking brought me the past few years.
I've also got an interview with UAB Graduate School next week. I'm hoping that goes well.
I'm working full time right now and taking two classes so my free time is pretty limited. That's the only bad thing, really. But the money is nice for the time being.
I started writing a new screenplay about a bipolar, repressed Christian guy who gets conned into starting a faux-Christian bookstore. It's an interesting diversion thus far. I'll never finish it, but it's fun.
It feels good to be me again. Lates nigs.
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I'm a college graduate.
Yep.
Now? I'm takin' my ass BACK to school. For a short time, though. Holla holla holla.
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| Date: | 2009-04-22 22:38 |
| Subject: | eaggggllleeee! |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  sleepy |
UNSOLVED MYSTERIES UPDATE: Wow. So, things are pretty good right now. I graduate with a BA in English in just two weeks. Holy shitballs. It's pretty surreal - after this I'm no longer going to be a regular, struggling student. For the next year, I'll be in graduate school and working on getting teaching certification. It'll probably will be a huge challenge for me and no doubt will bring some anxiety. But, it'll be good for me and help me grow as a person. Lately, I'm starting to feel myself again. I don't question myself as much anymore. I haven't really felt this way in about 2 years.
I've also lost some weight (I'm back down to 157), which is good and really is helping me feel more like my old self. My mindset is starting to revert back into what it used to be, and I'm starting to regain alot of dedication to myself again. Most of my problems in the past 2 years have been because of my mistakes - I haven't really been very happy or true to myself. But, I'm starting to realize that I need to value myself more.
I'm also on good terms nowadays with alot of people that I've had problems with in the past - which is cathartic in a way. I didn't want any albatrosses hanging around my neck anymore. I'm entering a new stage in my life, so I figured I needed to leave some things behind.
I'll be taking the summer off and hopefully getting to hang out with some people I've neglected due to school. I'm also gonna focus a little bit more on myself - I haven't had any free time for new hobbies in a loooong time. I'm becoming more interested in learning and writing like I used to. Hopefully by the end of the summer I'll be a slightly different person in that I'll be more open-minded to some new stuff.
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I'm going on a 3 day trip to NYC over Spring Break. I'll be staying at the Wellington Hotel, which is a decent-looking hotel across from Central Park. The NYC Subway System looks a little bit harder to navigate than the Tube in London, but I think I'll still be able to get around ok. I'm mainly going b/c I want to see the Ghostbuster's Fire Station/Headquarters. Bwa! Actually, no, I'm going because I want to see and do some cool shit during my break.
My degree application was approved. I'm stoked for graduation. And I'm gonna try never to use the word "stoked" again.
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I'm feeling pretty happy now. Things are getting pretty ok again. I feel healthy physically - I started a different eating/exercise plan about a month ago and have stuck with it with no problems. Really, its basically my old exercise plan, from back when my family called me anorexic, about 3 years ago (haw). But, I was never anorexic to begin with and I actually felt great, so...anywho, I gained 5 pounds during the holidaze, but lost it plus 5 more. I'm down to 169, which is a weight I haven't been at since about a year and a half ago. It rocks. I also feel less tired at school and I don't feel as down emotionally, which I was beginning to feel at the end of last year due to some problems of feeling isolated.
But the good thing is that I'm not gonna worry about that as much anymore though, and to know that you don't have to is pretty liberating. I still don't have alot of friends - but I am meeting new people that could become my friends. Or, they could not. I'm at work or at school ALOT, so some of that is beyond my control, and really, their's. It doesn't mean people have anything against me. The most important thing I now realize is that in the end, I don't have to feel dejected if I lose the opportunity to make friends. I can only be myself. Same thing with dating - it's a fruitless effort to feel down about things that can't and shouldn't change. If anybody feels the need to forget me after all my effort and sacrifice to get to know them, then it's their loss.
My main flaw is that I always have the best intentions with people - but I make mistakes in judgment, which gets me into types of trouble that I don't always see coming. I don't take the time out to REALLY know people, and sort of take things for granted. But that's the problem about jumping the gun with people. My judgment feels a little bit clearer lately, so maybe I'll be able to recognize people who, try as they might, really don't have my best interest. I'm becoming more defensive about the people I meet, which may or may not be a bad thing. I guess that's partly due to bad experiences in the past - be it friendships or relationships. But, it is better than being too trusting and taking things for granted. If I'm wrong about someone's intentions, then the only thing I can do is remember that I'm not perfect and move on.
Sometimes I feel that I've sort of failed to live up to anybody's standards these past few years that I've basically been in a "social" spell. But I don't blame myself anymore. Or really other people I've met. It's not worth it. I guess I figure now that just the fact that I try to make friends is good - I've grown up alot these past 6 years and becoming more open to people and trusting in myself as a friend or a boyfriend or whatever was going to happen sooner or later. It was a natural step. Even if I do hit some bumps in the road, I can't take that as me being a bad guy. I know myself better than anyone.
Anywho, I'm liking my classes a good bit, and I'm THIS close to graduation. Pretty scary, knowing that the next step is applying to Grad School and hoping to get into Fifth Year...but, it feels good to know I'm taking a new step in my life. I can't mess around with people or feelings that bring me down anymore, and knowing that I don't have to has really given me a positive outlook on my independence. I guess this is what they call growing up.
It's really not as bad as it seems.
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| Date: | 2009-01-03 11:37 |
| Subject: | tonight....YOU. |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  content | | Music: | Crowded House - Now We're Getting Somewhere |
hrmmmmmm.... I guess I should update. Yes that would be most good.
As far as school goes, I did pretty ok last semester. 3 C's and two B's.
By far it was the hardest semester I've done. I also just applied online for my diploma, and I just found out I have to get accepted by UAB grad school in order to get into the fifth year program. So I guess I'm gonna do that bullshite. This last semester is gonna be rough, too - 16 credit hours. Good grief. But after this semester, it'll be all gravy - it'll just be strictly education classes, which is mainly what I'm looking forward to this year.
Also, I think I'm becoming semi-ok w/ being a hermit. The final stage is acceptance. Haw. But no, really, I suppose I'll meet somebody great when they finally prove their worth to me. Until then, its rather pointless to expect people to come running to me. For now I'd rather try to focus on myself and having fun. I have plenty of people online I can talk to, and I guess I should be thankful I've even got that.
My sleeping habits are le terrible right now...almost as bad as circa 2003/2004. But that's because of too much caffeine last month while I was doing paper-fest 2008 (40 pages of goodness). But they'll be back to normal when I go back to school next week.
My Xmas was pretty good. I was off work of course, so I stayed over at my sister's and played Guitar Hero and Super Smash Bros. New Year's I was off as well, but I didn't do anything of note. I could have went out and gotten smashed and fornicated with various slores, but that wouldn't have been very productive. I don't have New Year's resolutions, but I do hope to get down to skinny bitch weight again.
Ok that's all. Ima go watch Pineapple Express now. Chill it.
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aight nigs.... I'm startin' to get bluesy again. Thankfully, its the end of the semester though, so I can sort of rest from the stress and reevaluate myself. My main problem lately is this -
I'm starting to realize that no matter how hard I try to feel connected to anyone, it just doesn't work. Nor do I feel like making it work. I had my chance recently to make something work, but it didn't work out like planned. It never does. And my friendships? I can get a poke from someone I barely know on facebook, but it doesn't help to change the fact that even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to know them. And in the past, all of this wouldn't have bothered me. But lately, it makes me feel like a terrible person.
So, I've been drowning myself in work this week to forget about how hard things are lately - and while it helps, I do realize I need some rest. SO, I'm about to go to bed. I do admit, though, it's sort of paying off, this whole recluse thing. My finals weren't too hard and I got my first 94 on a ten page paper today. That's huge. After losing some confidence in my school work and sort of losing track of school last year and this year...it was a pretty big deal for me. Maybe work/school is my strong suit - maybe I really should de-attach myself from meeting people as much as possible. The right people will come my way eventually. Or, maybe they won't. But I've got to remember that doesn't mean I'm a bad person. I remembered this once. Other people always make me doubt myself nowadays. But, I guess no one is perfect, though.
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BANG BANG!
I am the warrior...
So, my security deposit refund from my London trip came in the mail the other day. I knew that CEA might give me one, but I didn't know if that whole policy was a myth or what. Basically, because I didn't start any riots/cause a revolution while I was overseas, CEA (my provider) promised to gave me back some of the money I paid them. This is all pretty awesome in my view. I went out and celebrated the other day. I bought a PS2, along w/ the first Guitar Hero and GH: Rock's the 80s.
I really hope I don't gain any weight over the holidaze. I think change is in the air as far as my weight goes... so, I don't wanna lose any momentum from the mother's cooking. I lost 15 pounds while overseas, and I really want to lose more next semester. I really miss those 150-160 pound days.
I really had to change my outlook on life to get to that sorta weight.
And I was so relaxed all the friggin' time that I was in that weight range - it was awesome. And another bonus - if people didn't like my nerdy personality during that time, at least I knew they weren't judging me on my body type. Haw.
Yay for insecurities!
Speaking of insecurities - I need to get out and meet some new people. Some good new people. It's vewy hawd thus far, and I R feeling outcast. I feel like I either need to seclude myself in my own little world until I find some new interests/become a more interesting person, I need to try to find some people to hang out who like me as I already am. I'm currently trying option 2, but its a very slooooowwwwww process. I just can't get any new peeps to talk to me on a personal level. Y'know, the level where you know that person isn't just talking to you because they feel obligated.
I wish I was like I used to be and didn't really care about making friends. Blargh!
I'm almost done w/ my last paper of the semester! Word to that shit.
I think I'm gonna fall into a month long coma once all of this shit is done.
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| Date: | 2008-11-16 02:47 |
| Subject: | HAI GUYS |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  blah | | Music: | Rivers Cuomo - My Brain is Working Overtime |
fuck, I'm drawn back in again.
Well, I didn't vote. I feel like I should have. I didn't have time to register...the thought of doing so ran in the back of my mind, but I was just like "ehhhh someone else will vote". But next time I shall. I'm not as apathetic as I once was about voting/politics, but only because I feel like it's my duty to know more about it now that I'm older. Still doesn't mean I'm interested, just means its a duty I guess.
Someone play "taps", because my myspace is goooooone. I needed to get rid of it, after 4 years of shallow friendships. It gets rather empty relying on the interbutts to make lasting friends. So that's why I have decided to go into a hermitage. Again. But hey, at least the semester's almost over.
And now, some things that rule, w/ Troy -
Rivers Cuomo - Alone II
Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe
The new Watchmen trailer
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
Nietzsche and other dead philosophers
Likewise, some things that suck -
the phrase "AMIRITE?"
alabama football season
Anything "Twilight" related
Kaballah and all Kaballah-related interests
People
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I'm feeling rather hermit-ous today. I'm having one of those days where I feel like I want to live in a tee-pee on a secluded island. Things should be that simple. Well, or at least as relaxed as that.
Man I have totally devalued myself lately. Sometimes I wished there was a real, bonafide truth about me. But I figure everybody has their own perspectives. Too bad I know none of these other perspectives, or even if they're even slightly true.
ah, fuck it-
I need to be a monk.
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ugh... I am very, very tired.
But hey, no pain no gain. Or some shit. But I figured I needed to do it again, eventually. I've been back down to water again this past week. Nobody needs unhealthy dependancies, so I've been trying to cut back on them after this past week. I can usually kick caffeine for long periods, but it kills my energy. I think I'll get better with it as time goes on.
I'm also trying my hand at being more stoic from now on. Not so much act like a machine, but act like someone who listens to reason instead of emotions. I can handle some emotions, but others I'm not very good with. They tend to cloud up my head and black out my reason, and before ya know it, I'm in over my head. So I'm going to seriously work on dealing with them. I think it's going to be worth it, even if it means I'll be sacrificing some things I thought important.
I really wanted to go trick or treating as the "I LIKE TOITLES" kid this year. Instead, I will be working FOR THE MAN. Oh well, I shall take money over candy.
Fuck, my maladroit cd is skipping. Ok I cleaned it and it is now good.
Who is excited about finding out they can graduate after next semester? memememe. Not excited about going straight back to school afterwards.
SNOOCH TO THE NOOCH!
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| Date: | 2008-10-20 10:30 |
| Subject: | WHADDUP MAH NIGS AND NIGRETTES |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | happy | | Music: | Against Me- Borne on the FM Waves of the Heart, Metallica - Day That Never Comes |
OHHH shitballs, or, dear blog:
so much stuffs to do this week and next. I'm going to need to get caffeine injections to survive. But wooties, I shall have almost three weeks after that until my next paper, so all is not lost. I'm fighting to keep a B in two classes, but the other 3 I seem to be doing good in. I'm taking my PTO (paid time off) from work sometime next month. A WEEK OFF WORK. It's gonna be slack.
I didn't think MSI were that bad. I'm a moderate fan. Workplay is a cool venue I guess.
I got to meet some interbuttz peeps I've known for a while finally, so that was pretty cres.
Also, my car got a "service engine soon" light the other day for some reason, but now it's fine. It better not act up during my epic ATL journey this week, mayne.
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Deaaaarrrr blerggggggggg,
Chris-Chan is saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
Also, the mother is making friendship bread and I can smell it. It smells glorious!
I'm going to see Mindless Self-Indulgence w/ a friend this Tuesday and ahm seein' Weezer on the 25th. I am officially a concert goin' fool.
I'm really getting into my Early Modern Drama class. Normally 400 level English classes are hard as hell and boring but this one is cool. Rebellious 19th century plays involving questions of marriage, sex, class, religion, philosophy, and money? Nice.
I just read August Strindberg's Miss Julie. Holy Super Mecha Death Christ. What aconvuluted class-related clusterfuck it is....and I love it.
I just let my bro-in-law have the first guitar I ever bought. I got it for X-mas 2002. It's an imitation les paul (the brand name was electra or something). It was sorta a shitty guitar, so I stopped playing it and got a new one a couple of years ago. Today, it passed back into the hands of my brah-in-law, who was the original owner anyway. Back in 02', he sold it to my mom and she got it restored. I got some mileage outta the thing, so I ain't mad. Today was historic - its back home. SNIFF. And I'll end on that note. Pour out a lil' liquor (or purple drank/clearly canadian, etc.) for my lost (but not fallen) comrade.
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so, when I was in high school I trolled a newsgroup (alt.skate-board) for fun. Those were my glory days (well.... I had a normal life nd a few friends), until I realized I had to grow up a lil'. Today while reading an old post I found a great Jim Lahey (park supervisor) quote from trailer park boys in my sig -
"He grew up as a shit spark from the old shit flame,
then he turned into a shit bon-fire. Then driven by
the winds of his monumental ignorance he turned
into a raging shitfire storm. If i get married to
Barb i'll have total control of Sunnyvale, and then
i can unleash a shitnami titlewave that will engulf
ricky and extinguish his shitflame forever. And with
any luck he will drown in the under shit of that wave....
shit waves..."
FUCKING EPIC.
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dearrr bloooogg.
oh, my world is crashing down like the hindenburg. Well actually its pretty good. I just need to start on a 7 page paper due in 10 days and read a little bit more but thats basically it for the next two weeks. I will be so glad when I can chillax after its all done.
I still haven't applied for the fifth year program at school. I need to do that shit perty soon so I'll know what I need to take next summer to prepare. I also still have threee checks from work I have yet to deposit. That's $850 just sitting around, chillin'. Its not that I'm lazy, its just I still have $400 or so left in mah account so I'm like whatevs. I've also read so many slave narratives lately I'm beginning to think I am enslaved too. To read them.
Gaming tizalk (disregard if you're above my nerdiness) -
I gots a new game - Crackdown, which is basically GTA but you're playing elite agents hunting down illegal immigrants. So its very true to the southern life atmosphere. I also just played the demos to mercenaries 2 (yay for blowing shit up!) and ninja gaiden II (yay for severed limbs!).
Random thoughts (Larry King Style) -
CWC is crazzzzzzy.
I need to draw/write/play games/music MOAR.
I need a day off but likely won't get one for two months or so.
I wanna lose some more weight but I gotta tell my mom to buy less choco stuffs. Which is a lost cause. Much like repairing the large hadron collider. She'll just swallow me in her black hole of chocolately goodness.
I need to change the layout of mah journal. I'll dable in the creator thingy but don't expect anything genius b/c I have to piss sorta and my head hurts from oversleeping and lack of caffeine (I'm a junky). I also have to work in an hour.
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List ten songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but that must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these intructions in your blog along with your ten songs. Then tag ten other people to see what they're listening to.
1. Weezer - "Miss Sweeney"
2. Jimmy Eat World - "A Praise Chorus"
3. Wesley Willis - "Eat That Mule Shit"
4. Say Anything - "Alive With the Glory of Love"
5. Lily Allen - "Alfie"
6. Dr. Dre & Ice Cube - "Natural Born Killaz"
7. The Beatles - "One After 909"
8. Stevie Ray Vaughn - "Pride & Joy"
9. Boston - "Peace of Mind"
10. Elvis Costello - "Pump It Up"
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I just found out someone used my credit card to buy $3.00 in gas somewhere in florida. Thanks capital one fraud protection. I didn't know the hurricanes were so bad that people had to hack into peep's cards and shite for 3 whole greenbacks. Have a heart, people. There's starving children in Tahiti. Also, if the person in question is reading - go read the old African slave narratives, like the one of Gustavus Vassa. He was on a slave ship and was tied down for nights on end. In other words, there are people that suffered more than you when you decided to take mah monies. lawl
I'm seeing the weez next month! I'm excited since I've never seen them in concert and considering I've listened to them for 8 years straight pretty much, I think its about time
they paid a visit to this god-forsaken cesspool of the south and claimed it for their nation. I'll be in their army they create, too.
I just read both RB2 and GHWT's setlists and I actually think RB2 is alot better. So during christmas break I will be dominating the shit out of it. I'll also probably be macking ghostbusters eventually, depending on how good I hear it is. I'm more excited just for something gb-related period - it doesn't matter if its a game or a movie. Hooray for them bringing shit back that I like. See? back in high school, nobody liked shit that I did and I was a huge nerd. Now everybody is a nerd. Its so frustrating.
I wish I had more free time to do stuff. I need some new hobbies. Maybe I can learn to do something non nerdy. I'm trying to play guitar again and I wanna start writing screenplays again. lol I'm not gonna use my creative writing degree but I wanna do something new. bad.
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Fuck it, I can't take my age group. Its time for me to gripe about my social life again.
At this age, I feel like I will never be fully trusted, and I will never be fully appreciated. My priorities are totally twisted compared to other people. I will never have someone be around me and be like "hey, I'm totally comfortable with you" because at my age, I actually take my life somewhat seriously. And because of this, I will never have joy nor fun with anyone else, at least past a superficial level.
Why?
Because people my age don't want anything deep, and most of all, they don't want anything deep with me. Because I scare them with the simplicity of who I am. And thats the REAL truth. They want to get laid, they want to say "yay! i'm in a relationship" (but not because they like a person, but b/c they want to be in a relationship), and they want to use you up and leave you hanging after they find out you're not gonna save their lives. Well I've pretty much accepted that and I really could give a shit about why people find me boring or too nice for actually wanting something else. You can't change who you are, and you can't change what people think of you. Yet, despite this, despite all my negativity, I'm still puzzled though - why does this always happen when I actually give an honest effort to be a good person? are people truly this shallow? is this all that they want?
hell if I know, but what do I have to prove by being who I am? not a damn thing.
Sorry for the rant, and I don't wanna sound like a know-it-all, but I've been around the block enough in my life to know when you're getting fucked over and not being treated with fairness. I just don't understand why I bust my ass trying to be good and accepting of people and get nothing in return from anyone. I'm not gonna be bitter anymore - I'm just gonna go back to my little hermit corner and not take this shit anymore. Words can't describe how confused and just "what the fuck" I am over what has transpired to my social life in the past two years and just how despicable and low people can be.
If you need me I'll be doing something useful with my life, like going to a job or going to school or trying to be good to other people in a quest to actually find some good in return. Somebody wish me luck, because I'm gonna need it.
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I'm so ready to start this school year. I think last year I dealt with alot of different distractions. Conflicts over what I should do with my major, job issues, etc...also alot of personal dissatisfaction was going on with the people I hung around. While in England I had to do things on my own a little bit more than usual, and it made me remember why I love taking charge of my own life. Since I came back from England I've thought alot about the best ways I've managed to deal with people, goals, and life in general. Then I realized that the happiest I was was when I didnt lay down to the pressure from any of these things, and just sorta eliminated any crap that might have weighed down on me. I know that sounds ruthless but I crack under unneeded pressure. I've finally decided not to let anyone, or anything, stop me from having a good year this year - and especially with school, being that my future is what matters most to me at this point in my life. I mean, it is my last year in school anywho (well, before I do "teacher's school" at UAB for a year). I figure no one is gonna make this school year successful except me, so I better get up and do something.
And I think thats what has been missing these couple of years. I was so confident at one point with school and everything, and then I started coasting - waiting for something new to come along and make me feel accomplished and loved. I wish I knew that point where along the way some people stopped making me feel like I should be. That was my biggest mistake. Well, no more to that, I say.
I guess I just miss those first couple of years of college. They were really exciting. I was working hard and suprising myself and finding out about what I was capable of all the time. Its time I made the right choices to get back to where things are on that level. No matter what it takes. I think I deserve that happiness again. Even if its not on that level again - I want to at least be to the point where I can say I'm giving it my all again. I think there's some merit in that.
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cracky's journal
accomplished
numb
annoyed
tired
lonely